This post is for women who know that they desperately need help recovering from, and walking away from their past but may not know how to go about it, it’s also for women who have already begun making strides, but may need some help and encouragement to continue moving in the right direction.
In this post we will discuss embarking on the journey of abstinence. The importance of walking away from a past of casual sex or promiscuity, what it means, what that may look like for you, how to go about it, healing & emotional recovery, as well as practical ways to endure through the temptations that will present themselves.
Walking Away from Your Past
Taking Back Control of Your Body
Before we begin, I’d like for you to ask yourself some questions, and take a moment to reflect on the answers.
Why am I giving my body to a man(men) who:
- Does not value me or see a future with me? Will not commit himself to me? And does not respect my feelings or my boundaries?
- Do I know what love is?
- Do I value myself?
- Do I have a healthy relationship with my body?
- Am I okay?
It is easy to find yourself in these types of situations without ever taking time to ask yourself why and how you ended up in this position to begin with.
It’s necessary to reflect on why we continuously put ourselves in situations that are not in our best interest with people who do not have our best interest at heart. Why do we convince ourselves that the reality of our situations are something different than they actually are? We as women cannot continue to make the same decisions while expecting different results, because it is never going to work out in our favor and we are only causing further damage to ourselves. We also cannot go through life blaming everyone else for the decisions we make, nor can we afford to keep living in delusion.
Get Rid of the Justifications
It’s easy to find yourself in a continuous cycle of poor decisions when you’re constantly finding ways to justify those behaviors. We’ve all been there in one way or another. You have something you want to do that you know you shouldn’t, and instead of denying yourself that thing, you find a way to justify it in your mind to lessen the guilt.
When it comes to men you don’t want to let go of you may find yourself saying things like:
“Just this one last time.”
“He said he loved me so it should be okay.”
“We have history.”
“But I love him.”
“Things will change.”
“It’s just sex.”
“It will get better.”
“He’s all I have.”, etc.
But no matter what lie you tell yourself, it will never justify the damage you are causing to your own wellbeing. And at some point, you have to be the one to make the decision to break your unhealthy cycles. And when you do decide to put an end to the cycles that has consumed your life, that is where the real work begins.
Prepare Yourself for Stumbling Blocks
“...If thou come to serve the Lord, prepare thy soul for temptation.” Ecclesiasticus 2:1
Stumbling blocks, obstacles, and temptations are inevitable. But rather than fear them, instead do the work to be prepared for them. Work on building yourself up, strengthening yourself mentally, physically, & emotionally so that you can withstand them when they come.
We often hear about temptation , but rarely do we talk about the temptation we bring upon ourselves because of our choices. Here are some ways you can prevent unnecessary temptation in your journey.
5 Ways to Prevent Unnecessary Temptation
#1 Clean Up Your Social Media
Begin changing who you follow, what you like, & what you watch and your algorithm will follow suit. The more you change what you engage in on social media the more the algorithm will begin to show you similar content. The majority of my social media is now wellness & biblical content because that is where I began putting my focus.
Don’t Be Afraid to Start Over
It may also be time to delete your profiles altogether and start fresh with new ones. Sometimes cleaning house so that you can fully customize your social media to reflect the interests of who you are becoming, may just be the best thing for you.
#2 Be Mindful of What You Post
Look at the content that you post and have a serious conversation with yourself. What attention are you trying to attract? Why are you trying to attract it? Remember, all attention isn’t good attention and trying to boost your ego could be the reason you slip and fall into temptation and then into sin. There is nothing wrong with posting yourself and your moments, but intention is important. If your reason for posting is to be contacted and desired by men in a lustful way, it’s time to take a break until you can reshape your way of thinking. And it would be best to reflect on why you desire for men to lust after you, rather than desiring genuine attraction and connection.
If what you are posting is solely for the purpose of male attention and male validation ask yourself why that is, and start working on getting to the root of the problem. And remember, what you post is a representation of who you are.
#3 Use the BLOCK Button if Necessary
When you begin to take your growth seriously, prepare yourself for the temptation that follows. Old flings, flames, exes, people that you haven’t heard from in ages, old female friends who encouraged your negative behaviors, and even new men with ill intentions, may begin to surface.
“Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.”
1 Corinthians 15:33-44
Remove people from your past from your pages, and block them from being able to contact you if you feel as though they could be a potential stumbling block for you. There will come a time when you’re so firm in your foundation that you will no longer be tempted by these people, but it's important to be vigilant & proactive while you’re at your weakest. So protect yourself at all costs. We cannot afford to keep backsliding, there is too much at stake and you are worth so much more than that.
There is no use in keeping men in your life from your past unless you have children together and even that relationship needs to have firm boundaries. Keeping exes around can easily lead to backsliding into sin so remove them
.
#4 Change the Content You Consume
From the music you listen to, the books you read, the movies and tv shows you watch to the conversations you have, you are the content you consume.
The things we consume do have a lasting impact on our behaviors, our thoughts, and our choices. This is why the powers that be flood our music and televisions with so much sexual content, this plays a lot into the hyper-sexual society we are currently living in.
So when you’re trying to protect yourself, your mind and your body, be more mindful of the content you consume. The songs you like that you may not realize are bringing about certain thoughts and desires, delete them. Skip the sex scenes (They have no business being on tv anyway as they serve no purpose in any plot but I digress)when you’re watching tv. Avoid content that can trigger lustful desires, thoughts, and you’d be surprised how much this helps.
#5 Change Your Circle
You cannot expect your behaviors and patterns to change if you continue to surround yourself with the same types of people. When it comes to those close to you who promote and encourage the lifestyle you’re trying to turn away from, it may be time to walk away.
“Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” Amos 3:3
Some people are better loved from a distance. This is not to say that you should completely cut them off at first, they may see a change in you and begin making changes themselves. However, early on it can be hard to tell the difference between someone who wants to make the changes with you, and someone who at some point in your journey may be there solely to get you back onto their side. So consider separating yourself for a time until you have built up your discernment.
Slowly begin building friendships with women who are on the same path as you, women who are choosing abstinence, focusing on the Word, being productive, and women who have hobbies outside of partying, drinking, casual dating etc. My friend group today looks completely different from the friend group I had 2 years ago, and because of that I am better for it.
When it comes to building new friendships remember this:
“If thou wouldest get a friend, prove him first and be not hasty to credit him.
For some man is a friend for his own occasion, and will not abide in the day of thy trouble.” Ecclesiastes 6:7-8
Some people are not in your life to enter into every chapter of your life with you. Some people have to go in order for you to grow and only you know who those people are. And if you do not, pray about it and ask the Father to reveal them and guide you.
You’re Going to be Uncomfortable
Healing is not an easy thing and does come with discomfort. You may realize things about yourself that will be difficult to accept, but you will come out so much better if you allow that discomfort and push through it.
This journey is going to call for reflection, accountability, acknowledging what has been done to you, as well as what you have done to others.
You may experience loneliness when you’re used to filling the silence and voids in your life with male presence and attention. Removing these can be lonely until you change your perspective. These men were always going to be temporary, and you would always be postponing the healing you needed until you finally cut ties. My father once told me that “With loneliness comes clarity” and he was right. The real work gets done when you’re by yourself. If you truly pour yourself into this journey loneliness will be temporary, and at some point you will find that you have reached contentment and peace.
Get Acquainted with Accountability
Accountable- Required or expected to justify action or decisions; responsible.
There comes a point when you can no longer blame anyone else for your issues and where you are in your life. Though there are things that may have taken place throughout your life that have shaped your perceptions, behaviors, fears and your outlook, those factors cannot continue to be the reason as to why you do the things you do. And when it comes down to it, the only person who will answer for the life you lived is you.
You can’t change your childhood or your past, but you can change the impact they have on your life moving forward. Take ownership of your behaviors and your decisions because they both belong to you. No one can make you do or say anything, it is all a choice.
You Are Not Your Pain
So many of us allow our pain and our negative experiences to define us. We give them so much power and we go through life powerless by choice. The longer you continue to allow your past traumas to define you, the longer you will continue to go through the same things over and over again. And unfortunately at that point you will have no one to blame but yourself.
Now is the time to begin practicing introspection. Rather than looking for someone to blame, look within yourself and see where you have went wrong, what mistakes you made and how you contributed to your own circumstances, and figure out what changes you need to make in order to correct those decisions.
You will never properly heal and move forward without learning accountability.
Your Healing Belongs to You
Your healing is your responsibility. It’s easy to find yourself looking to other people to heal you; attaching yourself to people because you think they’ll help you feel better and then taking it out on them when they don’t(because they can’t). Avoid attaching your own internal happiness to someone else. Work toward being happy within yourself so that you don’t have to go searching for happiness in those around you. This breeds co-dependency. This task of healing is best completed alone. This is where you start to dig into your habits, triggers, thought patterns, communication styles and your traumas.
Here is where I began getting to the root of everything that was holding me back, all the things that aided in my poor decision making. This was very personal for me because I began seeing just how negatively I was affecting my own life, and I am still a work in progress. But I am aware of my triggers, and my underlying issues so I am in a much better place to work on them.
I committed to learning how to identify my issues, how to heal, and I started doing the work. I never want to enter anyone else's life half a woman and neither should you. So let’s start putting the pieces back together.
Remove Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Coping- Dealing effectively with something difficult. Manage, survive, get through.
Using sex and the presence of a man/men as a coping mechanism is not helping you. It will also do more damage with each encounter and each partner that you accumulate. Avoidance is counter productive, and the only way to heal from the pain is to go through it.
No more using excessive wine drinking, smoking, binge eating, and casual sex as band-aids for wounds that require surgery. It’s time to let them go. Clean your slate and stop making sex your coping mechanism. Laying under a man you are not supposed to be with will not heal you when where you need to be laying is at the feet of The Most High and allowing Him to heal and restore you.
It will be painful for a time, but you have to learn how to begin appropriately processing the emotions you’ve been running from.
Stay Productive
This doesn’t mean running yourself ragged doing a bunch of any and everything. It simply means getting intentional about your life, your purpose, how you spend your time, and what you contribute to all of the above.
What are the things you would like to accomplish? Where are you headed? What are the things you need to do in order to get there? How can you be a service to others? To your community?
This is where you begin to shift your focus and your time. What work could you be doing that you haven’t been able to while entertaining men?
“There is a difference between a wife and a maiden. The unmarried woman is concerned about the matters of the Master, that she might be set-apart both in body and in spirit…” 1 Corinthians 7:34
Now is the time for you to start seeking your purpose. Start reading your Word, and praying for clarity on what He wants you to do—and then making the necessary steps to get there while being aligned with His will.
Keep busy doing the things that will help you progress, this will not only begin to help shift your mentality, but it will also begin to form a completely different life and mindset than the one you had before.
Focus on living. Not living for attention, or to date or party. Rather, focus on living for the Father, and living a quality life for yourself. A life of substance and meaning.
Stop Looking for Love
It is not your responsibility or your job to go looking high and low for a man to love you. That is how so many of us find ourselves in the midst of heartbreak and situationships time and time again. What is it that you’re looking for? Can you confidently say that you know what it is you need from someone? Are you in a healthy place where you can receive and give the love required for a functional relationship? It is not your job to seek anyone but the Father.
“Ask and it shall be given to you, seek and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened to you.” Matthew 7:7
Most of us have never known unconditional love, so we go out searching for counterfeits, and that's exactly what we find, something that seems like love when in reality it's lust but we can’t tell the difference. And then when we are left to deal with the consequences of our choices we become jaded towards love, men, relationships, or marriage when they aren’t even to blame.
If we don’t know what love looks like, why are we continuously searching for it? It’s time you end the search and learn what it means to love yourself. Seek The Most High, experience His love, and allow Him to place in your life who and what is meant to be there.
We don’t even allow Him the opportunity to move in our lives because we’re so busy taking matters into our own hands. Not realizing the longer have hold of the wheel, the more we will continue to veer off course until eventually we crash.
Cleanse, Detox & Declutter
Cleanse Your Temple
When you make the decision to choose abstinence, give your body a cleanse from your old lifestyle. What does your diet look like? Start adding more fruits and vegetables and other nutrient dense foods. Drink more water and get more movement throughout your day. Consider looking into herbal teas that aid in a cleanse for the body. When you’ve lived in a state of chaos or dysfunction, your body goes through it all with you. So give it the reset it needs by feeding it the nutrients that it needs.
I am learning that stress alone can cause physical changes to your health that triggers different deficiencies in the body. So the anxiety, sadness, and uneasiness you may be feeling can also be attributed to your previous lifestyle. This is why getting the proper nutrients and replenishing your body of all it has lost is so important and should be tied into your abstinence. Consider taking a good multivitamin, looking into other dietary supplements that benefit your particular needs, this can also be effective.
What Goes On Is As Important As What Goes In
Start being more mindful of everything you’re putting in your body as well as on your body. Go through your skin care products, what’s in them? What soaps, moisturizers and lotions, oils and laundry detergents are you using? What are the ingredients? Start swapping unnatural and chemical filled products out for natural ones. I recently began using the Yuka app to scan all of my body care and food products to learn more about what is being put into the things that I buy and the effect they’re having on my body and my hormonal levels.
Your diet has such a large impact on your mental, emotional, and physical health, therefore what you’re putting in your body is an important part of your journey, and it makes for a great fresh start.
“A cheerful and good heart will have a care of his meat and diet.” Ecclesiasticus 30:25
Cleanse Your Home
Studies have shown that decluttering does wonders for your mental health. Consider getting rid of any and everything that is no longer of any use to you, and that no longer serves you in the new space you’re entering in your life.
Decluttering for you does not have to be as drastic as it was for me. I did a full on purge. Mine started with clothes, and after some time went by, I found myself going through my house, room by room, drawer by drawer getting rid of any excess. Cups, mugs, and silverware I didn't use or had too much of, body care products I didn’t need etc. I got rid of everything. My couch, my bed, my headboard, etc. The decision to get rid of my furniture was very personal for me, most people would have thought I was crazy. But to me it symbolized parting ways with a completely different time in my life. A part I no longer wanted anything to do with.
Now that our home is free of clutter and excess, my mind is beginning to be clear also. Now is the time for your fresh start. So cleanse, detox, and declutter until you feel like it’s enough.
Cleanse Your Spirit
I believe that sex is not just a physical act, but also a spiritual one. So when you have lived in a hyper-sexual state, or engaged in casual sex I believe a lot of damage has been done spiritually.
What is a Spiritual Cleanse?
If we confess our sins, He is trustworthy and righteous to forgive us the sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
The most important aspect of a spiritual cleanse is repentance. Going to the Father, acknowledging all that you’ve done, asking for forgiveness & a clean slate, committing to walking away from your old lifestyle, and starting your life over again.
Consider going on a fast, fasting is a great way to purge whatever it is you’re battling spiritually, the break in your routine allows you the space to do nothing but focus on building a connection with The Most High, and praying for your mind, body and spirit to be renewed.
As we’d discussed in other areas of this post, cleansing your spirit also involves changing what your eyes, mouth and ears consume. So cleanse your spirit, and remove whatever is necessary in order to continue renewing your mind, and your soul. And do not forget to pray, pray, pray. Your walk depends on it. The only way to navigate through this journey is to develop a strong prayer life. You need it!
Abstinence Should Not be Optional
There is a reason why The Most High designed sex to only take place within the safety, protection and unity of a righteous marriage. When we take a look at society, we can clearly see the effects of casual sex, hookup culture and taking matters into our own hands. This lifestyle comes with consequences, and most if not all of the consequences we experience is the unfortunate punishment for the choices we made working in our own fleshly desires.
We were not designed to sleep with multiple men nor were we created to go through the things we go through.
“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
Abstinence and taking back control of your body requires a fight. This battle is spiritual. Not only are you fighting the different spirits whose sole mission is to keep you off of the path of righteousness, but you are also fighting the lust of the flesh. It’s a fight that’s required in order to protect and save yourself.
"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Ephesians 6:12
Though what you do in this life is your choice, understand that what you do can have damning consequences. Stop going down this path before The Most High has to step in and stop you himself. Obedience to His word is a requirement, and though we have been given the grace to get it right on our own, do not confuse his grace with leniency.
"What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it?" Romans 6:1
It’s time we as women stop self destructing and start living in wisdom.
"She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness." Proverbs 31:26
Conclusion
In order to heal from something, you must first know that you have been wounded. For the longest time I couldn’t see that I was moving through life a certain way because I was broken. You have to be able to realize that, and acknowledge this in order to begin making strides to heal. And part of the healing process is understanding where you went wrong, and acknowledging that you have made mistakes.
The amount of trauma, heartache, and mental and emotional distress we cause ourselves because we as women refuse to wait on Him, is unnecessary. We are his daughters, and this is not the life He wants for us. Giving our bodies to men who do not value, appreciate or love us is not what the Father intended. I want better for my sisters, and I still wish that at one point in my life that I wanted better for myself. But you live and you learn, and sometimes you have to learn the hard way.
What Helps Me
I will share with you some of the things I've implemented to help me along in my journey. Two books that have been helping me look inward to work through the things I have been through are The Mountain is You by Brianna Weist and The Shadow Work Journal by Keila Shaheen. As I say, and will always say, I am a work in progress, I don't have it all together. But I have become intentional when it comes to the work that is required to but my pieces back together. More important than anything I now read my scriptures everyday and I am staying up on my daily journaling to help me process my thoughts and emotions. Healing takes work, you get out as much as you put in.
Leave Your Past in the Past
I couldn’t end this post without leveling with you. We live in an unforgiving world. There is a lot of talk on social media about women and their pasts. Everyone will not be understanding. They won’t care about the changes you’ve made, or who you’ve become, because all some people can see is you who were and to them you are your past. Understand that actions have consequences, and no one is obligated to accept your past though you may want them to. Avoid feeling entitled to people's acceptance and focus on the Father’s love and acceptance and keep moving forward.
Never let anyone tell you that you cannot be of use to The Most High because of who you once were. You can be redeemed and you can choose a different path.
Because the Father makes you new, and He forgets your past. No one else's perception of you should matter to you if you are truly changing for the better. So please, don’t allow the podcasts, and the think pieces online to determine who you are as you continue along this journey. There may be times when you struggle with the shame of the past, and though with some of your shame comes humility and it can be helpful to you and provide you perspective. Do not allow it to be debilitating to your progress because you cannot forgive yourself.
When your eyes are opened it is hurtful to look back at the past and realize how low you were. But you did not stay there. And you have been given the opportunity to get it right this time. I pray that you ladies find your way and that you continue to pray for the strength to evolve. And that you gain the ability to forgive yourself because the One who matters most has already forgiven you.
“He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:19
It’s okay to look back on your past and take inventory on how far you’ve come. And it is okay to share your story. But never forget to keep looking forward because that is where you’re going. I love you, and your Father loves you.
There is so much more that could be said that I will address in upcoming posts. If you have anything you would like to see, or any tips you have on leaving your past behind, I would love to hear from you in the comments below, or you can contact me privately here.